The guy said, "Listen I know it sounds like bad news that you didn't get the spot, but I want you to know why. We received over 100 applications for the room, and only interviewed nine people. In the end, you were in our top three - and you were my first choice, for whatever it's worth - but they didn't go with you because you were, well, this is going to sound weird, but they thought you were too positive."
"Too positive?" I asked.
"I mean, you are obviously such an amazing woman. We all agreed that you really have your life together and are solid. They figured you'd have no trouble finding somewhere else. They decided to give the room to someone who they felt like needed it more."
My heart sank into my shoes. So I'm actually having opportunities denied now because I'm not vulnerable enough. My whole life people have been telling me how "together" I have it, and I've been yelling inside, "No! It's not true! I need help, too!"
Well let me take the opportunity to change that right now. Because I do NOT have it all together. In fact, right at the moment, I'm rather terrified. Shaking, in fact.
After a month of hustle, I barely have enough to be ready to move in somewhere in January, and no guarantee that I'll be able to make enough next month to get through February. And all that is moot anyway because I can't find somewhere to live. The only places I can afford on a minimum wage salary are out in the mountains, and I can't afford to pay for gas to get in to town to work. I'm literally putting $12 of gas in my tank at a time right now, because it's often all I have in my wallet.
And if a second job doesn't come through, I won't even be able to afford those tiny mountain apartments. I won't be able to feed myself (which I'm barely doing now). I won't be able to afford to stay in Santa Cruz.
So that's the basic food and shelter conundrum. Next comes community.
I've been grateful to make one friend here. One. I've been at her place almost every day, milking her company for all its worth. I've met a few other people who've said, "Yeah cool we'll hang out totally," and then never call. Or they say, "Let's hang out after the holidays because I have family stuff until then." Yes, how nice for you.
And this church that I've been so excited about? I sit in the pew on Sundays and feel spiritually nourished and inspired, but when I try to go deeper, my efforts reap no results. I've approached the choir director about joining. She told me to call her, which I did, and she never called me back. Those "fun, dreaded, young people" who invited me to come to their house anytime haven't responded to my calls.
I know it's not personal. I'm not taking it personally. I get that people have lives that don't revolve around me and there are ten million possible reasons why they didn't call me back. And it still means that I haven't made any more friends, and haven't gone deeper in the church.
Part of the reason I stayed here in Santa Cruz was because it's so beautiful. There are so many fantastic beaches and fascinating places to see, and I haven't had time to see any of them because I'm so busy trying to keep myself housed and fed.
So with no place to live, not enough work, barely enough money, and hardly any friends, what else could I possibly be asked to deal with?
Well you'll never guess who showed up at my work two days ago. My loving freaking husband.
Yes, really. I stupidly wrote on my blog where I got a job, so he knew how to find me.
After leaving me (twice) and sending nothing but hostile communication for the past three months, he drove 2000 miles to tell me that he's realized he still loves me and wants to work it out.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Excuse me for a minute while I decide whether to laugh my ass off or barf up my entire life. You've got to be kidding me.
I sent him away. He left peacefully, but this is not over. My email inbox is testament to that. As if I have any time or energy to deal with that right now. Shit.
So here you go, world. This is me being vulnerable. I don't say stuff like this often because:
- I want to be everyone's ray of freaking sunshine. I want to only add light and love to the world, not complaining and negativity. So if I get scared or feel the urge to worry, I just pray or meditate it away and don't speak it to anyone. I don't want to ruin their day.
- I believe in manifestation. I live like all is well because I believe it will make all be well. I want to call abundance into my life, not scarcity. So it's almost like if I say these worries aloud, I'll feed them energy and make them worse.
- I am not a victim. I don't want to say "woe is me" because I take full responsibility for how my life shows up. I quit my job. I drove across the country away from all that I know and towards all that is unfamiliar. I chose to marry Oldman. I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me.
But when I don't get opportunities because I present as though I have it so together that I don't need help, that is my sign that I'm not reaching out enough. I'm practicing saying help.